I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
