I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
