you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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