Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
