have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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