Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
