Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
