my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
