So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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