He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
