I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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