You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
sarcasm needs its own font
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
