If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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