I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
