what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
