I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
