Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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