first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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