after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
