All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
