my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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