you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
