you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
