genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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