I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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