dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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