He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
