Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
