I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
