Redeem this text for a blowjob
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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