We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
