Michael Bay diarrhea
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
