Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
