I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
