I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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