Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
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