Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
