no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
