she woke up with a sticky ear
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
