Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
