I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
