Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
