there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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