when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
