Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Alive.
So much puke
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
