Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
