apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
