Your face is a jimmy john
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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