I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
