i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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